How do you deal with scammers?
Him: Hello pretty lady. I wish to know you more better. Here's my picture, I captain in US Army. Here my picture. What you do as work?
Me: Wow. The army? How interesting!
Him: Yes. It hard. I miss America.
Me: I can understand that. My father is a US Army general. He was gone a lot. You know what would happen? Foreign scammers would use the pictures of his men all over the internet, claiming to be US military looking for girlfriends. It's amazing the extents people will go to scam money.
Him: Yes. This world much bad. Horrible. What you do for work?
Me: I'm a federal employee. I work for a department that analyzing cyber crimes and internet scammers. It's kinda cool work because now we have these computers that trace the IP address, despite how many times the user re-routes. Technology is amazing like that. For instance, I already know the the uniform you are wearing in the picture belongs to a Colonel in the Royal Air Force, not the US Army. Neat huh?
Me: Hello? Are you still there?
One of the funniest was a guy who messaged me on Facebook. I actually enjoyed toying with this guy. After two days he was calling me "Baby". After the fourth day, he professed his love and told me he was coming to visit me---after he got him $100,000.
Him: I have $100,000 coming to me, but I need an account to put it in. Go to www.ira.com and open an IRA, then give me the passwords. I can deposit the money in it, then you and I can split it.
Me: Why would you want to do that? You don't know me. I don't know you.
Him: You know me baby. You're the love of my life. I trust you.
Me: So, if you have all this money coming to you, why don't you come see me this weekend?
Him: Open the account and I will. I'll be there Monday.
Me: I would need money upfront, as a sign of good faith. How about you pay my rent. It's $1,000 due tomorrow. Pay the rent, and I will open the account.
Him: I don't have any money until I can get this worked out. I'll pay your rent once you get me the money.
Me: No. Sorry. Try a family member or friend.
Him: I'll hunt you down and beat your ass if you don't do this!
Me: I'm a postal worker from New Jersey who grew up with 4 siblings. I'm not afraid of anyone. As a matter of fact, YOU should fear me.
Him: I SAID OPEN THAT ACCOUNT!
Dealing with Telemarketers and Bill Collectors
Telemarketers are few and far between now that we have caller ID and the National Do Not Call List. However, some of my responses are kinda funny.
Caller: I'm looking for Rhoda D'Ettore. This is the collection department of Who Knows Who Collecting.
Me: Really? Do you know where she is? That bitch owes me $10,000!
Caller: This is the last known phone number for her. Can you help me?
Me: No, but if you find her, be sure to call me back with her number. Tell her I'm gonna hunt her down.
Caller: Hello, I'm working for XYZ charity. We provide housing and services to low income families. We are currently doing a fundraiser that will help pay for the utility bills for those in need. How much can I put you down for?
Me: Wow! This is great. I just got my electric bill today and it's $458. Anything you can give to assist would be excellent.
Caller: No, I don't think you understand. I'm collecting money, it's a fundraiser.
Me: Yeah, I heard that, and you give it to people who can't pay their electric bills. I think that is great. And very timely in my situation. Praise be to God!
Caller: This is AT&T Wireless. We have a special offer we'd like to extend to you. A FREE phone with a signed contract of two years.
Me: Do you believe in the Lord?
Caller: Excuse me? Ma'am, I'm calling from AT&T Wireless. I have an offer for phone services
Me: And I asked you if you believe in the Lord Almighty.
Caller hesitates: Yes, I do.
Me: BLASPHEMER! You are an agent of the devil! I'm right handed, and you want to sell me a phone that would be in my write hand... a phone with a number.. the mark of the best! It's in the book of Revelations.
Caller: No, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell you a phone.
Me: Deceiver! A minute ago you said the phone was free. Satan himself twists your tongue with every word. Repent! Repent!
Caller: Ma'am, the phone is free, the service is a monthly service. You would pay for that.
Me: Pay for services? So you are a prostitute as well as an agent of evil? The Whore of Babylon is riding the wild beast! Armageddon is upon us!
And this... my all time favorite:
Caller: Hello, this is Madame Cleo of The Psychic Network. I'll like to give you a free reading.
Me: It's 8 o'clock in the morning.
Caller: If it's a bad time, I can call you later this afternoon.
Me: Forget it. You just proved you are fake. I'm a night worker, which means that 8am is my 2am. If you were real, you would have called me three hours ago and I would have given you my life savings for your information. Now I know you are just a fraud trying to scam people.
I hope you enjoyed this edition of "Short & Silly" Be sure to comment and share my posts. I'd love to hear from you.